Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
