I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
