well I can't set my house on fire every night
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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