I wish you could order shots online.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
