I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
this hospital has no fireball
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
