I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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