She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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