Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
