I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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