Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
