my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
