your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
