i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
That's when you crack a 10am beer
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
