bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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