I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize