We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
