I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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