Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
