He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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