i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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