It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
