I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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