just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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