you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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