Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
