Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
