I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
