This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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