Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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