If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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