yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
