The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
