I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
