You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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