If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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