I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
