We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
