i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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