I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
