I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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