I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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