I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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