i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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