I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i came on her dog
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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