I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
