I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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