Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
