if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
