So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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