If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
