i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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