I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
