Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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