she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
