Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
