3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
