Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just gargled with NyQuil
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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