when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
