in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
