What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
