so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
